Beware of the latest viruses (circa 1996)
AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS: You E-mail L.A., but your attachment winds
up in Dallas.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing
wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It
warns you of impending hard disk attack: Once, if by LAN; twice if by
C: .
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: There is sumthing rong with your komputer, but
ewe can't figyour outt watt!
HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS: Files disappear, only to reappear
mysteriously a year later, in another directory.
O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS: You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but
you just can't prove it.
BILL CLINTON VIRUS: Suddenly appears from nowhere, promises to
upgrade all your applications, gains control of your computer, then totally
corrupts your entire system for four years.
PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS: Your system works fine, but it complains loudly
about foreign software.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never identifies itself as a "virus," but
instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism."
ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just
before the whole thing quits.
COLIN POWELL VIRUS: Makes its presence known, but doesn't do
anything. Secretly, you wish it would.
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your
diagnostic software says everything is fine.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of
little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which
claim to be the most important part of your computer.
GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 30 percent
of their data 14% of the time (plus or minus a 3.5% margin of error).
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple bytes out of your Apple.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, and the screen splits
in half with the same message appearing on each side of the screen. The
message says that the blame for the gridlock is caused by the other
side.
FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its
own motherboard.
PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy, then self
destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations
across rural America.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.
SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables,
power supply, and a set of shocks.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of
mercy.
STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has
gone before.
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