Miscellaneous Puns
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire
in the craft it sank - proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and
became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields
and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known
as the lesser of two weevils.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up
to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a
beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other.
One says to the other, "Are you alright?" "No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine
during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
A group of chess players were standing in the lobby discussing their
recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came
out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked,
as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts
boasting in an open foyer."
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut
daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would
always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon,
as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to
find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw
together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The
doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and
exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry", replied
the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to
eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and
reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion
quickly pounced on the man reading the book & devoured him. Even the
king of the jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in
ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would
win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these
alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam;
then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's
wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "Just relax, you're two tents."
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a
family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sent a
picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her
husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband
responds, "But they are twins -- if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet
became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person. Even
when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite
thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad
breath.
Therefore, he came to be known as a super calloused fragile mystic plagued
with halitosis.
A somewhat inexperienced musician who joined an orchestra on
a cruise ship was having a terrible time keeping time with
the rest of the band.
Finally, the band leader said, "Look, either you learn to
keep time or I'll throw you overboard....so it's up to you,
sync or swim."
A Spanish mother and a Jewish father name their daughter Carmen
Cohen. The mother only ever calls her Carmen and the father
only ever calls her Cohen. The result? She never knows if she's
Carmen or Cohen.
What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
You can't wash your hands in a buffalo.
Why is two times ten the same as two times eleven? Because
two times ten is twenty and two times eleven is twenty, too.
An English literature student: "Do you enjoy Kipling?"
Young woman: "I don't know - how do you kipple?"
John: "What are you reading?"
Andy: "It's a book about electricity."
John: "Oh, current events?"
Andy: "No, just some light reading."
A termite walks into a bar room and asks, "Is the bar tender
here?"
Roman soldier at the Coliseum: "We've got a capacity crowd,
but we're still losing money. The upkeep on the lions is huge!"
Second Roman soldier: "Yes sir, those lions sure do eat up
the prophets."
Noah's remark as the animals were boarding the ark:
"Now I've heard everything."
A little boy surprised his mother one morning with a cup of
coffee in bed. He made it himself and was so proud. He waited
while his mother finished the whole cup. She had never had
such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip
she noticed three little army guys in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, "Honey, why did you put three army men in the
bottom of my cup?"
Her son replied, "You know, it's like on TV, 'The best part
of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"
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