Lawyer Jokes
What do lawyers use for birth control?
* Their personalities.
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
* A tick falls off of you when you die.
Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and
their clients?
* To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is
essentially the same service.
What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their
neck in sand?
* Not enough sand.
What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a
dead lawyer in the middle of the road?
* There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
* A Doberman.
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
* If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once
launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they
screw up everything forever.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
* One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest
stamps?
* They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people
couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Lawyer's creed:
* A man is innocent until proven broke.
What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit
bull?
* Lipstick.
What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
* Skeet.
What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a
crooked lawyer?
* Chelsea Clinton
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to
avoid hitting him?
* It might be your bicycle.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old
drunk are walking down the street together when they
simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
* The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical
creatures.
It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?)
* ...... I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the
lawyer's rates.
"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a
lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you
do?
* You shoot the lawyer. Twice.
Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
* He gets taller.
.......... and even more ...
Q: What is the difference between a lawywer and a sperm cell?
A: At least the sperm has a 1 in 600 million chance at becoming a human
being.
"He who has said that 'talk is cheap', has never hired a lawyer"
The difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
The rooster wakes each morning anxious to cluck defiant.
In the Halls of justice the only justice is in the halls. --Lenny Bruce
Q: What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement?
A: A whine cellar.
A man took a trip out west after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He
stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks stated to no one in particular,
"lawyers are horses' asses."
Hearing this, one of the locals spoke up:
"Mister, watch what you say. You're in horse country."
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the
cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and prepare for an
emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight
attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain", came the reply,
"except one lawyer who is still passing out business cards."
This is supposedly a true story from a reader, who writes that this
event occurred during her stint of jury duty:
I was on a panel for prospective jury duty. the first lawyer
questioning us began right off as an intimidating showman.
When he came to his question,
"Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?"
We stiffened and hesitated.
Before the pause became to long, the judge announced, "I do."
Q: Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach
resort?
A: Because they're used to doing all of their lying indoors.
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawywers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q: What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A: One is a slime sucking bottom dweller, the other is a fish!
Q: How do you know if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can't fit a finger between the rope and his neck.
Q: Why do they bury lawyers 36 feet down instead of 6?
A: because deep down lawyers are really good.
It was so cold last winter that lawyers were keeping their hands in
their own pockets!
What do you call it when five lawyers are up to their necks in cement?
Not enough cement.
There was a terrible tragedy the other day. A busload of lawyers went
off a cliff. And there were two empty seats!
What do you call 200 lawyers at the bottom of Chesapeake Bay?
A good start.
What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead
lawyer?
There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
Depends on how thin you slice them.
What's brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
A doberman.
A lawyer is settling accounts with his client. "Let's do it this way,"
he says, "pay me $1500 down and $250 a month."
"Gee," the client says, "I feel like I'm paying for a car."
Lawyer:"You are!"
What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
The tick drops off after you're dead.
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the
ladder company.
How do you address a lawyer with an IQ of 16?
"Good morning, Your Honor."
Two male lawyers noticed a very attractive female walking by. One
lawyer says to the other, "Wow, I'd love to screw her!" the other
responds curiously, "Out of what?"
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