Several Short Jewish Jokes
An elderly Jewish lady is leaving the garment district to go home from
work. Suddenly a man who has been walking towards her, stands in front
of her, blocks her path, opens up his raincoat and flashes her.
Unruffled she takes a look and remarks, "This you call a lining?"
When Life Begins
There is a big controversy these days concerning when life begins. In
Jewish tradition the fetus is not considered a viable human being until
after graduation from medical school
A man calls his mother in Florida: "How are you doing?" he asks.
"Not good," she answers. "I'm very weak."
"Why are you so weak?" he asks.
"Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
"Why not?" he asks.
"Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food when you called."
Short summary of every Jewish Holiday: They tried to kill us, we won,
let's eat.
Two youths were chatting, and one said, "My priest knows more than
your rabbi!"
"Of course," the other replied, "you tell him everything."
Three uncles were discussing their gifts to the bar mitzvah
boy. The first says, "I bought him a leather-bound chumash."
The second, equally proud, announced, "I bought him a gold- edged siddur."
The third commented, "Oh, I wouldn't get him those things. I bought him
an umbrella. At least I know that will get opened occasionally!"
Two rabbis were talking about having rats in their shuls. One
said he had tried everything to get rid of them. "I set out traps and
poisons and even brought in a cat, but the rats stayed."
The second rabbi said, " That's not the way to do it. I bought
them miniature yarmulkes, talises and tiffiln, and they never came
back.
A minister, a priest and a rabbi were talking about how they
handle their collections from the congregation.
The minister said, "I draw a circle in the sand and throw the coins
toward it. What falls within>the circle belongs to the Almighty;
the rest goes to me."
The priest described drawing a line on the ground, saying, "I
throw the collection plate contents out; what falls to the
right of the line is the Lord's; what falls to the left is mine.
The rabbi had a different approach. "I throw the money up in
the air; God takes what he needs, and what falls to the ground is mine."
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